Deadly.

I love my girlfriend. I mean it, I really do. I would die for her if I thought it was going to mean she was better off in some way. I don't know what I'd do if she left me...well, actually, that's a lie. I've already been there once recently, and I don't plan on going back to it. I'm so glad that we're back together now - it means the world to me.

I just wish that I could be open about our relationship. Maybe not on Facebook, but be able to send her lovey-dovey messages on twitter and stuff, so that I can sorta show her off, I guess. I want to be able to be affectionate with her in public and that just doesn't happen, mainly because she's scared about people looking at her funny. I guess I can understand that because, you know, girls kissing each other is obviously weird (end sarcasm). I don't want to lose her, but I also want to be cute and cuddly as well.

I guess you just can't have the perfect love these days.

Feathers.

Y'know what? My mental health can fuck right off, seriously. Little things have sent me off into crying fits recently and it's starting to do my fucking head in. Like, before, my friend mentioned this question thing they've got going on twitter, and she randomly said, "Hey look at my answers!" So I did and I totally didn't understand why she'd sent it me. There was only one thing of relevance to me on there and I'd already told her that I'd seen it. I think sometimes she wants to remind me that she is more popular than I am. Woohoo.

But, anyway, yeah, that pissed me off.

I also can't be bothered with Becky Bitch in my theater studies class. Seriously, she can go and take a hike because it's getting to the point where I want to slap her every time that I look at her. I think I offended her by being a little eccentric...oh, and by being bisexual. Well she can seriously fuck off because I have dealt with enough shit in my life when it comes to my sexuality and to how I act. I've given up on pretending to be something I'm not and am trying to accept myself again - so I really don't fucking need little shitheads like her, making it obvious that she doesn't like me and that she wants to make things uncomfortable for me and for my friends.

It's little things that she does, like making comments about how she's added everyone she likes on facebook (bearing in mind that she hasn't added me), not giving me a Christmas card (whilst making sure that I see her giving other people one) and by calling me "half normal" when I told her that I was bisexual - originally she thought I was a lesbian and, so, would have been a complete weirdo apparently. Fucking stupid.

I think I need to go back on pills. I've had enough.

Snails.

I had such a lovely time this weekend with Adele; I really mean that. We had so much fun, just messing around and talking about Christmas and watching films together...and dancing on some old train tracks. There's now a video of us on YouTube messing around on Saturday. But, yes, I really enjoy times like that with my friends, especially ones that I don't see very often, like her. It's a shame that my parents decided to suddenly get completely over-protective and ruin the whole weekend by screaming at me because my phone had stopped working properly. Honestly, I'll never understand what the hell is wrong with them at times.

Today was an...okay day. Nothing really happened. A lot of the time, I realised that I missed someone very close to me and that I just wanted to give them a great big cuddle and never let them go. I don't even know what brought it on, I just wanted them with me. I was sent to see the counsellor this morning too, but that lasted about five minutes, because she realised that I'm not a danger to myself or anyone near me, though people assume that I would be. Medical records a right pain in the arse at times, I can tell you that for nothing. And what's even more ridiculous is that they never seem to stop following you around either...

I should really be doing homework now, but I'm procrastinating...as per usual. There's nothing strange about that, seeing as half the time these days I just can't be arsed with work. I got home early today, fully intending to start work, but I started watching Love Actually with my mum instead. That was slightly more fun.

Somebody New.

I decided to make myself a new blog. Tumblr lost it's shine after I realised just how open it was. The only decent thing that you could do on it was change the layout and make it look pretty. And look at Nick Wiggin's photography, which is a pretty big plus, I guess. Maybe someone should pester him to make a blogger instead...hmmm...

Lots of things have changed very rapidly for me over the last three months. I've had to grow up for one; I'm not sure whether or not I like it yet. I don't think I've changed as a person, but sometimes I feel like I'm embolishing certain parts of my personality so that the new people in my life don't hate me. So far it's worked, but I'm not sure whether or not it's going to be good for me in the long run. I guess it's not like I'm lying - I am being genuine in, sort of. I'm just...making the better parts of my personality much more noticeable. This has made new friendships a little awkward at times, but I'm going to deal with it.

My girlfriend and I also split up. We're still really good friends though, and that makes me happy. I don't know what I would do without her in my life, I really don't. Sometimes it's difficult, when we're alone together, because I know that we both still love each other, but, at the same time, I think we know that our decision is going to be for the best in the longrun. We were only going to ruin a beautiful friendship, running each other into the ground with constant arguments about nothing. So, personally, I have no regrets about that decision. The only issue I have is what happens when we decide that we want to move on and be with other people...? Well, if she said that to me, I'd be fine about it. I'd rather that she was happy than stuck in a rut wondering what the hell I'm going to say. But, I mean...what if I want someone new in the future? :/ How the hell am I supposed to tell her that? She told me that she'd push me away, thinking it'd let me be happy....but it really wouldn't. Whether she likes the idea or not, she is very, very dear to me and I want to avoid hurting her at all costs....but I would be more than hurt - I'd be devastated - if she pushed me away because I liked someone else. As I told her many times before, love isn't always something you choose. You just end up liking someone and that's how it works. I ended up loving her, though neither of us found it easy, all the secrets and all the lies...

I'm not sure how many secrets I can keep from her. I don't want new conquests to be that, but if that's how it's gotta be, then that's how it's gotta be.

In nicer news, I'm going to visit my very good friend, Adele, tomorrow and I will be staying with her in Sunderland for a weekend. I am sosososososo excited. I haven't seen her since September, when we went to the acoustic show that Will Francis did in Manchester, so I'm really looking forward to that! I've got her a really awesome Christmas present, and she's got one for me too! I can't wait to find out what it is! YAYAYAY!